Sunday, January 25, 2009

rumination #3

Dear Thesis,

One of my new years resolutions was to light candles more often. So I am writing this email by candlelight (and computer light, of course). I just thought you'd like to know that. 

My other new years resolution was to dance more often by myself. I think it would be fun to get over being shy at least around myself, to really let go, and release some dance moves I never knew were hiding in my muscles. My goal is to come up with some impressive footwork that I can eventually impart to the rest of the world. I have yet to begin acting on this resolution. Perhaps now is the time. I will take a small break and be back in a few minutes, hopefully out of breath. Here goes....

I'm back, and slightly out of breath, yes, but lacking the acquisition of any new dance moves as of yet. I guess it will take time. I had to dance with my eyes closed in order to resist feeling completely ridiculous and excruciatingly self-aware. By the end of the song I think I accomplished something, though. My shyness had abated ever so slightly. It's a small step towards unedited self-expression.

Speaking of unedited expression, I think there is an underlying element of that in these emails. I realized that the moment just before clicking 'send' is utterly terrifying. And then reading and re-reading the email after the fact is torturous. You are my thesis, after all. It's important that you get the right impression of me. It feels a little bit like Internet dating, but also like a prearranged marriage. Like meeting my prearranged life partner on the Internet. I am not taking this lightly, by any means. But perhaps revealing myself in this manner will be more honest than a thoroughly-edited, formal paper. That is my hope.

Yours truly,

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